According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
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Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.