Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
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Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.