There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
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911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron