Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
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Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir