ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
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Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.