Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
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Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.