[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
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me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.