[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
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if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong