I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
You Might Also Like
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I am a gravy boat captain
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.