Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
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ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
(Jupiter –
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
When your man makes a valid point
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.