John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
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For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Fluff me with a fork baby
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.