Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
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“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.