Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
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Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Florida be like…
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.