Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
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When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
no one likes gloating
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.