DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
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I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
reminder
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*