I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
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This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?