“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
You Might Also Like
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now