[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
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Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
what it’s like dating me:
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I feel like one of these would kill a European
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Posting this on behalf of a friend
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
at ease…shoulder.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?