Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
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Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?