crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
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AM I BEING GASLIT????
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp