Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
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DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
fired
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.