Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
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#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.