Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
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me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.