Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
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[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.