If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
You Might Also Like
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay