“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
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Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI