1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
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My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.