Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
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If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
This is amazing.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Phones down.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we