That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
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If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
🏙👨🏼
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’