therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
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It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
man i love columbo