Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
You Might Also Like
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
This kid is a star!
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
The human personality is made of five key elements
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing