For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
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Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
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It’s Dublin.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
The symmetry is uncanny.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.