[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
You Might Also Like
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place