Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
You Might Also Like
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools