I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
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[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
My love language is hissing.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Looking at you, Jesus.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.