I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
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Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
You had me at “define legal”.
We found love in a hopeless place.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.