*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
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I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.