i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
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*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.