trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
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me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Facebook memories be like
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.