do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
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*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married