me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
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[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
i really liked this one
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.