Does this dress make me look cat?
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Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”