Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
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Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”