My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
You Might Also Like
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means