“you changed” bro i was 15
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I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
What flavor cupcake are these
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
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Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”