I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
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Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.