If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
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Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name