Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
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Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.