A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
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You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??