I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
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If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.